<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>and swallow chunks of broken glass by ivyalexandrias</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27039427">and swallow chunks of broken glass</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyalexandrias/pseuds/ivyalexandrias'>ivyalexandrias</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Archive 81 (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Injury, Non-Linear Narrative, OADKDJD literally this has been in my google docs for a month, Parent Death, Trans Nicholas Waters, i got the basics though, i might try to tag this better at some point, ive been waiting for this (:, not mentioned in this but its important to me that you all know he's ace in this, only me rushing to post the 69th fic for this fandom, there is no god there is no beta, title from teen suicide - salvia plath</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:48:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,948</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27039427</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyalexandrias/pseuds/ivyalexandrias</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nicholas' body is a drawing, and he tends to color outside the lines.</p>
<p>or</p>
<p>a study in nicholas waters</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Christine Anderson &amp; Nicholas Waters, Static Man &amp; Nicholas Waters, Static Man/Nicholas Waters, just a little bit 😌</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>and swallow chunks of broken glass</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i wasnt fucking joking in the tags i had this written a month ago and ive been making little edits but. ive genuinely been waiting so this could be the 69th fic because i am a literally 4 year old</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nicholas' body is a drawing, and he tends to color outside the lines. He was given a clear picture of what he was supposed to be: a complacent little girl who made her family proud, but it only took him ten years to completely ruin the premade image set out for him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He cut his hair off with kitchen scissors, he dons ripped, muddy jeans and ratty t-shirts. He makes himself in no one's image but his own, and he is not perfect, no, but he is getting there.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he is 14, he shatters the expectations his mother had again, this time with something as arbitrary as who he likes. He doesn't understand until later in life, why she drew even further away from him, why she barely spoke to him unless he actively tried to capture her attention.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All he knows is that, when he comes out for the second time, they start going to church more often.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he is eighteen, he leaves his mother behind, and although he loves her, he is glad to be gone. That house was always too small for him. He has a scholarship to a good college in New York, and he has enough money saved up to pay for an apartment, at least for a little while, and everything seems like it might be okay for once.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicholas makes friends for what feels like the first time in his life, friends who </span>
  <em>
    <span>understand</span>
  </em>
  <span>. They're there for him on long nights, when the stress gets to him, and assignments pile up, and he thinks that he has finally found his people.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It only lasts so long, because of course it does. He's always had a habit of shoving people away when they get too close, afraid to show any vulnerability, and it doesn't take long before they get tired of trying. He once again finds himself alone, but there's a solace in the isolation.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicholas is not perfect, but he is trying his best to be. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicholas graduates, and he gets a job, and he gets fired from that job, and he gets another job, rinse and repeat. He is starting to think that the only thing his degree is good for is sitting on the wall, looking pretty. He is starting to think he shouldn't have left home.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicholas' mother dies when he is 23 and he isn't there to say goodbye. The guilt eats at his heart every day, that he was too much of a coward to visit her in the hospital. He doesn't even show up to her funeral, he can't bring himself to face the judgment looks he knows will be directed towards him. He can't bring himself to face the absence of his father.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wears long sleeved shirts into work for a while after his Mother dies. No one comments on it, and that almost hurts more than the feeling of fabric catching on fresh cuts.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Nicholas is 25, he gets a call, telling him his father has died, and he cannot bring himself to feel grief for a man he never knew. They weren't connected by anything other than blood, and Nicholas only shows up at the funeral because he's in the will, which means he has to be there. If he wasn't so afraid of everyone's judgement, he wouldn't have even stepped foot in the church.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Until the day of the funeral, Nicholas didn't even know he </span>
  <em>
    <span>had </span>
  </em>
  <span>a half-sister, but as soon as he sees Chris, some missing part of him clicks into place, and he thinks </span>
  <em>
    <span>oh, there you are</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She is everything he's not; confident and brave and loud, and he admires that about her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The two of them blatantly disobey their father's last wish, and Nicholas can't help the bit of pride that curls in his chest at that. A quiet </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck you </span>
  </em>
  <span>to an absent father. He might not be rebellious in the traditional sense, but he's always had a knack for breaking the rules.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chris drowns, and wakes up, and coughs up tapes, and for the first time Nicholas thinks he might be in over his head, but they're committed to this now, they can't back out anymore. He listens to every door before he opens it (a habit that will carry on long after the threat of Aleister is gone), and he makes a bargain with a payphone, and he pushes forwards.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicholas vomits up a goat heart, and white-hot agony sears through his leg. He manages to keep himself together until Chris turns off the recorder, before completely falling apart, hands hovering over his ruined flesh, afraid to touch it, to break it further. Chris digs a first aid kit out of the closet and does her best to fix it, but he knows that it'll never be the same. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He tries his hardest to not react to the pain as she does what she can, white knuckling the sheets of the spare bed she'd all but dragged him into, but he only lasts so long. He finally breaks when she pours disinfectant over the wound, wincing apologetically at the odd, broken noise that cracks out of him. Chris doesn't say a word about it, but he brings him a box of tissues for him to wipe his face, and she remains by his side until he can walk again, even if he still can't fully support his own weight.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicholas is not perfect, and he thinks the purification ritual has done nothing but stain him further. His father's cane weighs heavy in his hand, a reminder that he is nothing if not his father's son.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Him and Chris summon a man of static, and Nicholas can't find it in himself to be disgusted by him, although he knows the things Static Man has done should revolt him. If anything, they draw him closer, and he wonders how a man who has done so much wrong can remain so cheerful.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chris goes on a dream journey, and even though it only lasts a few minutes, something inside Nicholas knows it was much longer than that. When she returns, her hair is shock white, and she smells of sea salt, and wind, and she seems distant. She doesn't remember anything, but he catches her staring wistfully out the window sometimes, a strand of hair wrapped around her finger, as though it'll come back to her if she just tries hard enough to remember everything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She's changed, sure, but she is still his sister, and he does his best to be there for her. They are both broken in their own ways, but they make it work together. They have to. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He pushes down the twinge of guilt in his gut at Static Man's response to them summoning him the next time. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You can be friends with someone you want to use.</span>
  </em>
  <span> That's what he tells himself, and what he tells Static Man, but he can't keep back a flinch at the bitterness in the other man's voice, although he knows he deserves it. They complete the ritual, and they find Payphone, and Nicholas silently hopes that Static Man doesn't think less of him, although he's not exactly sure why he cares.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicholas has never been the best at comforting people, but he tries his damn hardest to comfort Static Man. The entity's entire form ripples, shifting in dizzying, panicked waves, even as Nicholas tries to reassure him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't protest when Static Man tells him to </span>
  <em>
    <span>turn off the damn recorder</span>
  </em>
  <span>, because if nonexistence can bring him reprieve, just this once, then who is Nicholas to deny him that? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>(Mentally, he makes a note not to call the other man Arthur. He also decides that, if him and Chris make it through this, he's going to find Static Man a body. He at least owes him that, after everything the entity has done for him and his sister).</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><span>Static Man appears in their motel room that night, and Nicholas does his best to convey everything he wants to say through a look. </span><em><span>I'm</span></em> <em><span>sorry</span></em><span>, and </span><em><span>are you okay</span></em><span>, and </span><em><span>if you need to talk, I'm here</span></em><span>, and </span><em><span>I wish I could help</span></em><span>. He can't be sure if the entity understands completely, but from the way the other man clasps his shoulder momentarily before he leaves, Nicholas is pretty sure he does.</span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They visit Melody Pendras a second time, and Nicholas gets trapped in limbo. He silently curses Payphone's bargain, because he should have predicted this. He meets another version of himself, and a faded man with an old cello and a beautiful voice. He runs into Static Man, somehow, and the entity gives him a not-grin right before he returns to Chris' side, making his insides go all fluttery, and all Nicholas can think is </span>
  <em>
    <span>oh, shit</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They get trapped in Alestier's labyrinth, and Nicholas can understand, a little, why the mercenary is so proud of it. There is something profoundly beautiful in it's horror, and he thinks that, were he not trapped in it, he would love to study it, to try and find out how it works. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Instead, he finds the center of it, and he drinks from a pond, and he kills a goldfish. Him and Chris step through a portal, into the mercenary's office. Alestier fights back, but they get him to swallow the fish, and Nicholas watches in horrified fascination as he dissolves into nothingness, leaving a neat pile of dust on the ground. (He can't help but wonder, could he have that amount of power, if he tried hard enough?)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They see Static Man again, and Nicholas shuts his eyes tight, but he can still hear the rending of flesh as Static Man rips their opponents apart, and an involuntary shudder runs down his spine.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Static Man is cheerful as always, even when the floor and walls around him are a mess of blood and viscera, and Nicholas has to admire it. It'd be impressive if it didn't make him a little sad, seeing how easily the entity seemed to be able to brush off things like that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicholas is not perfect, but any illusion of purity that he had left is torn from him when he kills his father with his own obsidian bust. He hears his father's skull crack beneath the stone, sees the blood pool on the ground, feels it splash his face. Chris' voice cuts through the haze of his thoughts, and he drops the statue, eyes widening as he takes in what he has done.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he looks at Chris, though, there's no fear or disgust in her gaze. Only a loving sort of understanding. She hugs him tightly, and tells him that a British man is in love with her, and the absurdity of that hits them both at the same time. They sit like that on the floor, ignoring their Father's body next to them, laughing a little and crying a little. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>(Chris leaves him, and he wishes that he could be surprised. He doesn't resent her for it, he could never. All he wants is for her to be happy, but it's hard to accept that, for her to have that, she has to leave him.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nicholas is alone once more, nothing to distract him from his own thoughts but his father's tapes, and the books strewn through the study. He gets a job at a cafe down the street, and when he's not working, he's throwing every ounce of energy into finding a ritual for Static Man, because Nicholas is many things, but he does not break his promises.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Especially not ones made to those he loves.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>wow i cant believe static man and nick are married in canon its true marck told me himse</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>